Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
