the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
