I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
