I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
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you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
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its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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