She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
