is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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