do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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