You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
