The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
