If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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