I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
