Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
