yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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