gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
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