u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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