I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
