I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It's rum buckets o'clock
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
