i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
it's like iHOP with fire
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
