I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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