You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
