i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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