I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
