I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
