Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
