It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
