So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
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I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
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You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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