you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
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He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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