So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
wat bout pragnant strippers??
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
