recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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