I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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