What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
