Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
