Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
