Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
