The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
