marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
