I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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