i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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