I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
