I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
