you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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