I hate all girls vehemently.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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