i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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