i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
