She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
