An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Someone came in the potted fern
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
