My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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