I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
