He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
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I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
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Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
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