Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
