i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
