there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
