Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
