Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
